2) Sweet Home Alabama
Okay, it’s a bar, you want to show that you’ve got the chops to play a good ol’ classic rock tune that drips Dixie and the South, so you go to Skynyrd. Uh, the band *did* record quite a few songs, many of them hits, such as Gimme Three Steps, Simple Man, etc. Just because Kid Rock riffed Sweet Home Alabama and everybody knows the words to the original, doesn’t mean every cover band in the country should play it.

3) Are You Gonna Go My Way
Upbeat, a little funky, a little alternative while not straying too far from straight-up rock and roll. Also a little…played out. I understand, you want to show some range, and how better to do so than to stay in rock mode, yet cover a song that was a crossover hit on multiple charts? Well, guess what? This and Stevie Wonder’s Superstition aren’t fooling anybody. You want to prove you can cover a black artist or you have a little funk in you, then bust out a Parliament Funkadelic tune or something more obscure. And no, I am *not* suggesting Play That Funky Music, White Boy—which along with Superstition all tie for No. 3 as songs that need to be set aside for a generation or two.

4) Me and Bobby McGee
I know it’s a showcase song for a female vocalist, and of course, it’s so well-known that everybody recognizes it. Which is precisely why it’s time to retire it. When I say everybody knows it, I’m talking *everybody.* Newborns are familiar with it. Residents of nursing homes know it. And so does everybody in between. Common ground with an audience is one thing, but if this is the only tune you can think of to show off your pipes, you need to take a break and go download a bunch of new stuff, and find something else to belt out the next time you’re on stage. Yes, even great songs get tired, and this is one of them.

5) Come Together/Helter Skelter
Yes, it’s the Beatles. Yes, it’s a pair of songs that beg to be played back-to-back with one leading seamlessly into the other. And yes, if you’ve got the vocal cords to really howl out, “See you ag-a-a-ai-i-i-n-n-n!” to open Helter Skelter, this is a no-brainer. Unfortunately, since ten thousand cover band lead singers currently working the state of Florida alone can also boast they can do this, and another million cover bands which have come before have trotted out the same arrangement of each song in countless bars and clubs and dives around the country (probably the world), that should be a hint. If everybody is doing it, and everybody has done it, and everybody yet to come is probably going to do it, too…why are you *still* doing it? Yeah, I know, it’s the Fab Four, you can’t go wrong with John, Paul, George and Ringo. No argument there. But just because you can’t go wrong doesn’t mean you can’t also go elsewhere. Trust me, at a really hoppin gin mill? You could bust out “C Is For Cookie” and everybody is going to sing along and be hooting and hollering and clapping when you wrap it up. But fun is one thing, and trotting out ‘old reliable’ is something else entirely.

6) Cumbersome
Here’s one that I think cover bands add to their resume simply because it’s…well, simple. It’s a little grunge-rock, a little alternative, it isn’t a hundred years old, and people who aren’t familiar with it can pick up the lyrics quickly and sing along with the chorus. But since it’s simple, you guessed it—everybody knows it. Every band seems to play it, whether they’re fronted by a strong male vocalist or an ill-suited female vocalist. Probably because the tune doesn’t require a singer to have the greatest voice to pull it off, and to do a relatively decent job even if it’s well outside their comfort zone. Hence, time to go in search of something more challenging. You want something a little grungy with a classic sound? Bust out Seger’s Turn The Page. Want something more modern? How about Creed’s My Own Prison? Both songs have more opportunities to show off your pipes, neither one is routinely performed by your cover-band colleagues, and that’s just me thinking out loud, without spending more than thirty seconds on it. You’re musicians, you can do better, I’m sure.

7) You Shook Me All Night Long
Okay, the AC/DC tune is not only a crowd-pleaser, it’s anthemic. Again, everybody knows the words, it’s about sex, it gets a rise out of everybody. By the same token, it’s so expected, it’s more of a surprise when a band doesn’t play it than when they do. I’ve noticed a number of bands lately have been playing TNT as an alternative, which I applaud. A little more off the beaten path, that one. And, every once in a while, a band will really stretch and drag out Whole Lot of Rosie, or even Dirty Deeds. All fine choices. But what about Thunderstruck? What about Shoot to Thrill? Those would certainly get a crowd rocking, and they’re familiar enough that even the casual fan will have heard them before and be able to hum along, if not outright headbang.

8) Proud Mary
You would think, if you were an alien who’d come to Earth to learn about pop culture from cover bands, that Creedence Clearwater Revival became legends after recording only one song. Fact of the matter is, the band happened to record about a hundred other tunes, many of which would be quite appealing to a barroom audience. Travelin’ Band would get the crowd pumped up. Fortunate Son would keep the up-tempo mood in full swing. Bad Moon Rising would get people singing along. C’mon. If you’re committed to going back 35 years to dust off some classics, how about changing it up once in a while? It’s not like Creedence ever recorded anything that’s as challenging as the guitar work required to cover the Outlaws’ Green Grass and High Tides, for example. A little variety never hurts, and while I’m no musician, I know enough about music to remember that if you can play one Creedence song, it’s kinda like the Ramones. Learn how to play one, and you can pretty much play them all.

9) I Heard It Through The Grapevine
And heard it…and heard it…and heard it… In fact, I think I’ve heard it more than Marvin Gaye ever did, or Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong, the guys who originally wrote it. And…I’ve heard it enough. Yes, it’s one of the most defining records ever produced by Motown. So? There’s more to Motown than ‘Grapevine and Smokey Robinson. Great song? No question. Overdone? Same answer.

10) Hotel California
What’s worse than every cover band in the universe—and probably several universes yet to be discovered—busting out this Eagles standard? Ninety percent of them trying to put their own spin on it. I’ve heard this track with a reggae backbeat, with a funk baseline that could alter your heartbeat, with a soul/blues delivery…you name it, somebody’s tried it with this song. Why? Probably because even the bands figure they need to do *something* with it so it won’t be the same, boring old cover. Which is why you guys ought to pick something else! Yeah, the song is encoded in peoples’ DNA, so what? It’s slow, long, doesn’t really offer your lead guitarist the opportunity to prove he/she’s a virtuoso, and if your backing vocalists aren’t spot-on, you run the risk of sounding like a high school battle of the bands performance. Put this one away, Subscribe to an internet radio service that plays deep cuts from classic rock albums, and trust me, you’ll find something less beaten to death than this.

2. McDonald’s
People can say whatever they want about Micky D’s, but truth is, you could be transported to another galaxy, or Quantum Leap (hat tip, Scott Bakula) into another dimension, and if you had $5 in your pocket and came across the golden arches, you could get a decent meal and then get back to fighting aliens or conquering universes or whatever it was you were doing before somebody handed you a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Is it the healthiest stuff on the planet? No. Does it have the finest ingredients? No. But, it tastes pretty much the same anywhere you go, it’s reasonably priced and it does what it needs to do. And, whatever the naysayers proclaim about the health risks, fuck ‘em. Nobody needs to eat everything they offer in the biggest size available every time they stop in. Get a Diet Coke or unsweetened tea if you’re very thirsty, you assholes, skip the fries or get a smaller order, and stop stomping your feet when you have the option to get yourself something that isn’t going to make your fat, lazy ass even fatter.

3. Levis
If I want jeans, it’s Levi Strauss I’m looking for, and that’s that. The things last, they’re comfy, and they never go out of style. Has any company been riding the same golden goose longer than this gang of denim peddlers? I doubt it.

4. Coke
In particular, Diet Coke. I used to guzzle lots more of the stuff, because it tasted good and was calorie-free. (The anti-fast-foodies should learn which spigot it comes out of the next time they take aim at the industry with agenda-driven schlockumentaries). Anyway, I dig the brand, I dig the polar bear commercials they trot out now and again around Christmas, and I like the way they still beat Pepsi like a redheaded stepchild. If desperate, or at Taco Bell, okay, I’ll suffer through Diet Pepsi. But I need to put a splash of that limey pseudo-beverage in to help things out. Yeah, what’s that say for the product? Washing down refried beans at Taco Bell, and plain ol’ Pepsi won’t cut it. Talk about room for improvement…

5. DELL
When I went blind, Pam and I decided, since I would be traveling to comic shows and film fests, I needed a laptop. We invested in a DELL. The thing is still running, although I have upgraded to…a newer DELL (largely because upgrading from standard CD player to DVD player to show off my movie clips was better done w/a larger screen). I’ve got a big-gun Mac we spent thousands on in order to cut my movie, and unfortunately, it’s already obsolete, and cannot be upgraded so I can run a newer version of Final Cut Pro. System still works fine, picture is gorgeous according to editors who’ve worked on it, Pam uses it to test out web stores she builds, but it was only four years old when upgrading became impossible. The 9 year old DELL I use for my internet radio listening? Can run the latest version of my screenreader ( a thousand dollar piece of software itself), the latest versions of word processing programs and media players, the latest version of PhotoShop if Pam needed it in a pinch, the latest version of Flash and Adobe Suite…you get the picture. Even the guy at DELL was shocked to hear my old standby was still running perfect given the amount of hours it runs every day. If I hadn’t been a believer back then, I sure as hell would be one now.

6. NERF
My favorite Nerf product has to be the Nerf football. The things lasted forever, you could take a shot right in the face with it and not miss a play, and you could dig your fingers into it when making a tough catch, giving every player the chance to make nearly-impossible, highlight-reel plays. These guys make dart guns, boomerangs, soccer balls, you name it, they have a soft version of it for kids. How can you beat that?

7. MP3
I know, more of a platform than a brand/product, but I don’t care what the iPod offers, without buttons the thing is useless to me, meaning I prefer CDs (and the option to change batteries when recharging my device isn’t feasible). When it comes to CDs, being able to cram a zillion tunes in MP3 format onto a single disc is pretty useful. My MP3 discman works great, it’s little bigger than an iPod, and it has real buttons. Can I fit ten thousand songs on one disc? True, I can’t. When was the last time I went anywhere where I *needed* to have ten thousand songs at my fingertips at one time? Uh…never. In a case little bigger than Pam’s iPod pack, I can store my discman and a good four or five CDs. Usually, 750 songs will carry me thru any trip I may take. Best part? If I drop the whole thing? The CDs will likely survive in their slimline jewel cases, and I can grab a new discman for $40 bucks, just about anywhere I am. A Best Buy, Wal Mart, Target, BrandSmart, etc. I’m traveling and drop an iPod? Couple hundred bucks, and without my computer to reload my tunes, I’m shit out of luck. Yeah, I might be a downloadable music Luddite, but gimme the simplicity of MP3 and tactile buttons, and I’m a happy camper.

8. Stanley
I have a hammer. Two, in fact. One is the one I inherited from my Dad when my parents moved from NY and his need for it decreased dramatically. You know what’s good about Stanley hammers? They pound shit. And, they pound shit forever. I have no doubt that all these new ergonomic hammers with computer-analyzed balancing and rubberized grips and polycarbonate heads and all that stuff work just fine. But I learned to pound nails true with a simple, wooden-handled Stanley hammer, and the thing will probably outlast me by a considerable margin. You putting together a tool chest? Skip the frilly. Grab a traditional Stanley, you can’t go wrong.

9. Pop Tarts
Okay, despite my ill-temper when they dropped Milton the Toaster as their spokesappliance, there’s no denying that Pop Tarts delivers the goods. There’s a bunch of flavors to choose from, they’re fairly cheap (especially in bulk), and you can toast ‘em, nuke ‘em, or simply eat ‘em right out of the package, at room temperature. Can’t do that with an English muffin or toaster strudel. Well, maybe you could, but you ever try spreading cold butter on a raw English muffin? Yeah…good luck with that…

10. Joop
Smells good, I’ve never met anybody who didn’t like it, it comes in a big bottle which lasts forever, and unlike a lot of scents (Drakkar, Cole, etc.) doesn’t require a 2nd mortgage to purchase. I’m pretty simple when it comes to going out. I would just as soon put on after shave and leave it at that. But Joop has always been nice, so that’s what I stick with. I also dig the fact that it’s a fairly ‘light’ fragrance. Not like Musk or something that automatically makes you feel like you’ve just spent time in a brothel. I mean, well, what I *assume* you’d smell like after spending time in a brothel…

So, being that I’m relegated only to books in audio format that larger
publishers have taken the risk on, imagine my surprise when I came across
the Mammoth Book of Best New Horror, Volume 12 (12!), from way back in 2001,
available through the Talking Books program. Eagerly, I put it on my request
list, and about two weeks ago, it finally arrived.

Now, true, I had no idea it was released by a British publisher, and
frankly, when that became obvious, I didn’t much care. I like plenty of
British authors, and there’s plenty of excellent ones who’ve splashed around
in the bloody end of the pool. But, I’m not sure what editor Stephen Jones
was thinking when he assembled this collection, because horror certainly
couldn’t have been what he was shooting for.

Oh, sure. There’s some of the usual stuff. A couple of vampire tales, a
return-from-the-dead story, at least two entries in the
be-careful-what-you-search-for-because-once-you-find-it-you-can-never-return
category, and an elder god effort or two. But…I’m sorry, this is one of
the most dreadful collections I’ve ever suffered through, and that says
something considering all the anthologies I spent money on during the boom
of the early-to-mid 80s, when B. Dalton bookseller ruled the mall and there
was a floor-to-ceiling rack devoted to the genre, chock full of collections
and anthologies that ran the gamut-from splatterpunk to vampires to zombies
to cannibals to ghost story tomes aplenty.

This volume? What I found most disappointing was the utter lack of anything
challenging, despite there being some high-caliber authors contained within.
I mean, I expected a whole lot more from Mick Garris. And Kathy Koja, even
though I’ve never been that big a fan of hers. You’ll find plenty of names
you recognize on the contents page, but I should have known this thing was a
clunker when I had to fast-forward through two plus sides, because the
introduction was 65 or 68 pages long, something like that. Nearly 70 pages
of utterly wasted tree, in my opinion. I expected some scares, but the
vampire tales were more goofy, noir-driven riffs on the genre that came
across as spoof, not horror. A story about the near-miss experience of a
protagonist who almost gets seduced by a beautiful girl on a remote beach,
while he all but ignores the odd behavior of her mysterious family? Yawn.
The story of a dying woman compelled to return to the land of her ancestors,
where she encounters strange sculptures that she is inexplicably drawn to,
which eventually come to life after the mysterious townfolk lure her to her
end? I don’t know, might just be me, but I saw that ending coming from about
paragraph three, and not once was any dread or fear or even the hint of a
chill generated. In fact, I think that was the collection’s fatal flaw. This
whole tome, thick as a phone book though it might be, is so low-impact as to
be outright bland. And, if you’re advertising yourself as being the year’s
best horror, then there ought to be frights packed in like sardines. Very,
very disappointing. I’m gonna give one or two of the other volumes a shot,
just in case this was an off-year, but if this is what the early part of the
decade was producing and declaring to be the cream of the crop, I can’t
really blame any book chain for giving its shelf space to fantasy or
mystery. Not only do those genres sell better as of late, but they’ve
certainly been upping their game and raising the bar. If this book and some
of the other clunkers I’ve read recently are any indication of what the
genre’s had to offer the past ten years? Man, are we in trouble…

* * * * * * * * * *

Hey, I’ve got a Facebook fan page. C’mon and join it at:

http://www.facebook.com/josephmmonks

and as always, you can follow me on Twitter at:

http://www.twitter.com/josephmonks

* * * * * * * * * *

Currently listening to: Open Your Eyes by Lords of the New Church

http://youtu.be/xzA8xbQdqmg

So, at long last, INSIDER is a reality, even though we lost some stuff. Then
again, could’ve been worse. One schmuck kept two of my hard drives, and look
what happened. Some footage from my film, The Bunker, showed up on his DVD
release and caused quite a bit of embarrassment for the distributor who got
stuck with that dog.

So, anyway, back to INSIDER #1. Largely, this was a test-run, where I could
highlight what’s been going on, Pam could experiment with Final Cut,
importing footage and graphics, laying in text, the basics of what’s
necessary to cut. Since blogging’s something that usually gets done
on-the-fly, why not the video blog? I mean, hell, it’s just a blog, not a
full-fledged production. If I want to do one at 3 in the morning, I’m sure
as hell not going to call my cameraman and start rigging up lights. The
solution? For Pam and I to do it ourselves. Quick, down-’n-dirty shooting
and cutting, because for a blog, what more do you need?

And so, we banged this one out, felt good enough about it to throw it up,
and after some tweaking, we’ll do another. I’d like to get one done every
week, but we’ll see what the schedule allows for.

Thanks to the very talented Joe Vilicic and Path of Logic Industries for
supplying the INSIDER theme music, and Mabel Iriberri, my web designer, for
the spiffy INSIDER logo.

On that note, a reminder. We’re hovering right around 15% raised toward our
Kickstarter goal, seeking the dough necessary to finish The Bunker. Please
click the link below, and FWD it to your friends, coworkers, relatives,
Nigerian finance ministers, etc. The mainstream media attention is nice (and
quite unusual for us), but it’s still the people on the ground doing the
little things that’s gonna get us over the top. Here’s the link:

http://bit.ly/b0iNJh

More during the week, promise.

* * * * * * * * * *

Follow me on Twitter. Don’t ask questions, just do it! :)

http://www.twitter.com/josephmonks

and join the fan page on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/josephmmonks

* * * * * * * * * *
Currently listening to: Sofia by The Cruxshadows

Pretty damned good. We’re at 14%, we’ve only just begun to get the word out and to make our media push, and people are paying attention. A number of web sites ran our PR; we got a kind shout out from Famous Monsters editor Jessie Lilley through her Twitter and Facebook accounts; Alan Rowe Kelly (check out his flick, The Blood Shed!) helped put the word out among his fans—as did Kevin Clement from Chiller Theatre—and I’m sure lots more did as well, but I couldn’t even keep up with it by Wednesday, so I’m simply going to issue a bulk Thanks! to all my buds who’ve been pitching in.

Speaking of time, mine’s begun to get squeezed, thanks to requests for interviews. Award-winning journalist Amy Parmenter (www.parmfarm.com and the NBC affiliate in Hartford), conducted an interview with me earlier in the week for her site, and as soon as it’s ready to go live, I’ll be posting details. On the heels of that, the guys over at NuttyNewswire.com put up our PR, and lo and behold, in short order, we not only made their top 100 stories list, but cracked their top 10. As of this writing, we were holding steady at No. 6. If you’d be so kind, take a sec and a couple of mouse-clicks to rate the story and/or comment.

But the biggest surprise had to be getting the call from WINK News, the local CBS affiliate, looking to do an interview on Saturday. We got the call early that morning, with a time slot of 1 p.m. Figuring something was destined to go horribly wrong, Pam and I set about getting my office ready for the one-on-one. Well, while nothing did go horribly wrong, things did change when the crew called to let us know they’d be able to show up earlier (in life, when time is short, nobody ever shows up later. That only happens when you’ve scored tickets to a Broadway play or the hottest concert in town). Anyway, we were ready just in time, we did the piece, and it ran on the 6 o’clock news. Not only that, but on the later broadcasts at 11 as well. Thing that shocked me most? The segment didn’t run when I expected. I felt sure we were looking at the 27 minute mark, some time after sports and weather. Nope, first third of the broadcast (I believe before the first commercial break). And, it was a pretty lengthy piece (in terms of nightly news broadcast time) to boot.

WATCH THE WINK NEWS SPOTLIGHT: Blind Man Makes Movie

So, that in and of itself would have been a pretty good first couple of days. Still to come? I have three more interviews scheduled, one for a European web site covering horror and genre cinema, one for a site right here at home on which I found some pretty funny misinformation doled out last spring (can’t wait to set the record straight about some of *those* claims), and a horror podcast/online radio show that we’re working out details with.

I have to admit, I expected things to be a little slow, to get a couple of five and ten dollar pledges, and things would pick up as word spread. But a $500 producer pledge package going three days in? Totally floored me. A hundred and a seventy-five starting things off? Also, not what I expected. Thrilled about ‘em, to be sure. Hitting 14% of our goal in 5 days? Well beyond expectations.

So, that’s the update, though there’s still plenty of stuff I’m leaving out. If you haven’t checked it out yet, here’s the link to our project:

Kickstarter: Blind Director’s Feature Film: THE BUNKER

Please take a look. I promise, throwing a buck or two our way? You can’t possibly claim to have been involved in a project this unique, no matter what others you may have funded on Kickstarter before. And, if you can’t throw down with us financially, no sweat. All I ask is that if you find the project interesting, or cool, or you like horror, or for any other reason I’m not mentioning, FWD the link. Send out a MySpace blast or bulletin or whatever the hell it’s called. Facebook it. Tweet the link. Direct some twitterings at your favorite celebrity or entertainment site. Let Ellen know about us. Tell Perez Hilton what this particular Latino filmmaker without sight is up to. You know how it works, it’s all about reaching people, and that’s how you can help. E-mail folks you know. Heck, e-mail ones you don’t. Every little bit helps, and believe me, after all the nightmares and hassles that’ve plagued the making of this movie? I appreciate all the help I can get!

3) Joran Van Der Sloot.
Hopefully, Peru doesn’t want the public embarrassment suffered by Aruba during the Natalie Holloway ‘investigation.’ The faster Van Der Sloot disappears into some Peruvian hellhole prison, the better. Especially for anyone with a vagina.

4) The stink of Robert Byrd.
People can trot out all the platitudes they want about how Byrd changed, how dedicated he was to putting the past behind him, etc. But the guy was a Klansman, his racism reared its ugly head whenever he let his guard down (his ‘white niggers’ comment on FOX News didn’t occur in the 70s or 80s, after all), and hearing him lionized like he was Martin Luther King’s buddy and really believed in diversity is sickening. But then, the media’s thrilled to sweep dirt under the carpet or skeletons deeper into the closet for guys like Byrd and Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy. They’re dems, after all.

5) The oil spill.
Unfortunately, living in Florida, I’ll be waiting a long, long, long time. Maybe decades. And so will a lot of other Americans. Oh, and if you’re a bird or fish? Forget it, you’re fucked.

6) My spare tire.
I know, I’m not alone in this desire, and I’m working on it, but two hours of treadmilling a night is not giving me the Claude-Raines-esque effect I’m looking for…

7) The administration’s lawsuit challenging Arizona’s new law concerning illegals.
Hopefully, the lawsuit fails, the law is upheld, and the people of Arizona can start looking out for themselves, because it’s been made perfectly clear now that the Obama administration wants to protect illegal aliens, drug smugglers, mules and killers more than American citizens. They don’t want a fence, they don’t want cops to check to see if you’re breaking more than one law, they don’t want police to know if you’re wanted for previous border violations and they don’t want Americans even entering certain areas they think are too dangerous…despite those areas being on *U.S.* soil. Dangerous because…of illegals, drug activity, cartel hit men, etc. Please, gimme some SCOTUS common sense on this one…

8) Gun bans.
Chicago’s already apoplectic about it, but it finally looks like a lot of unconstitutional gun bans and restrictions will be going the way of the dinosaur. My hope is the trend continues, and accelerates, and law-abiding citizens will no longer be hamstrung by municipalities that can’t figure out a way to get the guns out of the criminals’ hands, so decide to punish those who follow the law instead.

9) Helen Thomas’ apologists.
Listen, Helen Thomas quit, okay, that’s the thing to remember. There’s no first amendment issue here, got it? The government did not come cart Helen Thomas away, gagged to prevent her from uttering more anti-semitic bile. Thus, first amendment doesn’t apply. As for a freedom of speech issue, there isn’t one. Nobody stopped—or is stopping—the old bigot from spewing whatever she wants. She wasn’t fired. She can go on TV, write a blog, publish anywhere that will have her. Nobody curbed her freedom to express herself. If you’re not bright enough to understand that, you probably shouldn’t be posting about how somebody needs to look into why Glen Beck is still on the air and Helen Thomas is jobless. Try and wrap your thick-skulls around the fact that Thomas took *herself* out of the mix by retiring. If she wanted, she could still be working, although maybe not at the same place, just like Beck or Limbaugh or anybody else who also has freedom of speech and the first amendment on their side. See, just because you don’t like Beck et al, doesn’t mean anybody’s been slighted or had their constitutional rights violated. Next time you want to rant and bring up either freedom of speech or the first amendment, figure out if it applies, first, all right?