As William Shakespeare once penned, What’s in a name? This week, methinks that The Bard would simply jot with his quill: everything. While the actual act isn’t as egregious as some past offenses (such as cutting off your own penis and throwing it at police officers coming to arrest you or being caught voting for Cynthia McKinney), you would think this particular fellow would have understood that from the moment he filed his change of address after being evicted from the womb, he’d have a target on his back. That target comes, not surprisingly, in the form of a surname.
Last Friday, Bryan Scott Moron,a 20-year-old man from the town of Burleson, drove his pickup truck while drunk. And no, that’s not even remotely as stupid as Britney or Paris or Nicole or any number of celebrities with the dough to have drivers at their beck and call once they’ve gotten themselves snockered doing the same. Nope, what adds to the lamentable sin of being named Moron from the time he hit the ground two decades ago, this particular moronic Moron managed to drive his vehicle into somebody’s home. And not just in a, ‘Hey, occifer, I zust lost con’rol comin’ around that curve and shlee jumped the curb and hit the begonias!’ kind of automotive mishap. Nope, young Bryan managed to plow over a mailbox, post and all, without slowing, one can only assume in trying to find that elusive post-Christmas parking spot in somebody’s living room.
Not only would Moron fail all the field sobriety tests, but he’d be tagged with a blood alcohol level of more than twice the legal limit. Not to mention his white Chevy having missed a garage that was not his to occupy by several yards.
Moron’s only twenty, and you gotta think that he has plenty of time to turn shit around. Perhaps he should start by biting the bullet and changing his last name. Perhaps by adding an E to the end of it. I mean, really, I know all about family pride and carrying on your old man’s legacy through his name, but why would anybody want to procreate and saddle their child with this grammar school albatross? When your name is Moron, you aren’t exactly going to get any free passes on the playground, when you answer a question wrong in class, etc. You aren’t just the momentary focus for the ridicule of others when you do something boneheaded—face it, we all have those brain-fart moments when we turn ourselves into laughing stocks. But soon it’s somebody else’s turn, because we’ve got names like Smith and Jones and Johnson and Bennett and on and on. We’re not Moron 24/7, three-sixty-five.
In local reports, poor Bryan’s current occupation is listed as a server at a restaurant. Is it just me, or do you folks also hear the familiar refrain of, “Do you want fries with that?” echoing in your head?
