1. The axe. Designwise, it’s brilliant. In practice, it’s efficient. It does everything you want it to do, and if you need it in a pinch to cleave somebody’s head in two instead of chopping wood or felling a tree, it has that kind of versatility. Just perfect.
2. The sword. Broadsword, long sword, short sword, kitana, scimitar, rapier…you name it, the sword takes care of business. People needed a good sharp pointy weapon that was portable, somebody invented the sword. To top it off, not only does it do the job you want it to do, it looks cool, either in use or sitting in its scabbard. Tool plus fashion accessory all in one. Not a bad combination.
3. The razor blade. Put it in one handle, it cuts hair off your face. Put it into another handle, it cuts carpet, boxes, tape, etc. Stick it in another handle, you can use it to scrape stickers off the inside of your windshield. Thinking about how many millions of razor blades are put into use on any given day, how can you not include the razor as a true top-ten-worthy implement?
4. The gun. In any form, if you need an effective mechanical solution to the problem of killing somebody or something at a distance, there’s few hand-held gizmos that’ll measure up to the gun. Unlike a missile or warhead, which aren’t really in the tool category, the gun is versatile, reliable, comes in too many varieties to count, and does it’s work fast.
5. TNT. When miners were confronted with the issue of, “Man, it sure is gonna suck having to break through all this stone with sledgehammers,” voila, TNT was invented and blew up things instantaneously. Instead of dozens of sweaty laborers working for days to break a few feet of ground, TNT offered the option of: Place spiffy, red sticks, Attach cap, Roll out wire, and BOOM! Of course, it’s also shown its versatility over the years, blowing up bridges, buildings, people, etc., but even strictly as a tool for clearing rock and burrowing into mountains or deep underground, this one’s always been a winner.
6. The nail gun. The hammer’s great, it’s simple and been around forever. Truly legendary. The nail gun has saved men more thumb-bashing and cursing than the best designed hammer ever did. The nail gun’s a true marvel.
7. The compound miter saw. Want to cut something at an angle? No problem. Want to cut something at two angles at the *same* time? This baby is the bomb. Need a 45 degree angle, with a 15 degree miter? Child’s play. This has become, bar none, my favorite tool in the arsenal for any of my projects. Truly indispensable.
8. The jack. Can you imagine changing a tire without one? No, of course not. This thing is so necessary to motorists that given all the items auto manufacturers have made optional over the years, you still *always* get one of these puppies with every purchase.
9. Duct tape. Sure, you may not think of it in the same way you traditionally think of a tool, but try and come up with something that’ll hold up the bumper on your ’87 Fiero; work on a rip in your pants ten minutes after getting to work; that’ll patch a crack in the door of the ‘fridge in your garage to extend it’s beer-chilling life span indefinitely and even keep your kidnap victims from being able to scream, without having to tie any knots to form a secure gag? Yep, that’s duct tape for you. If Krazy Glue was advertised to have 1,001 uses, duct tape has it beat…and then some.
10. The chainsaw. Anything else instill as much fear in people as a chainsaw? I mean, you can cut down freaking *redwoods* with one, given enough time. You can play psycho with it, like Al Pacino in Scarface. You can massacre a van full of kids with it, as in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And, you can even replace the impressive standard blades with all sorts of nutty variations, with jagged teeth that have the capability of cutting through just about anything that’s not concrete or reinforced steel. I know there’s been a Nail Gun Massacre film, and a Weedeater Massacre film, but really, Texas Chainsaw started it all, and when you get *that* much of a fringe benefit for something this utilitarian, it belongs in the top ten.
