1) A 1954 Wurlitzer jukebox
I have a special attachment to the year 1954 (I won’t go into it here), and I love the look of that piece of hardware. But, now that I can’t see it, and you’d have to gut the thing in order to enable it to play current music, there’s no reason for one. If I hit Powerball, though? Shit yeah, I’m getting on eBay and hunting one down.
2) A .454 Casull by Freedom Arms
A character I enjoy in a book series carries one. I’ve never seen one, never held one, never fired one, and even if I went to a range, I couldn’t use a sound locator to aim at a target because this thing makes one helluva boom when fired. A .22? I could target shoot using an audio aid. This hand cannon? No purpose for me whatsoever. But…yeah, I still wish I had one.
3) A ’34 Ford Eliminator
Nowadays, I can’t drive. Pam wouldn’t be interested, so the thing would sit in the garage and rot, most likely. But tooling around in the car made famous by ZZ Top in the Legs and Sharp Dressed Man videos? Ahhh, to have such disposable income…
4) A flamethrower
This would be useless for most people, come to think of it, unless you’re in the military, in which case Uncle Sam owns it, and lends it out to you whenever necessary. It isn’t like I can go all THEM! on the fire ants in my yard, either, much as I’d like to. But c’mon, tell me you wouldn’t want to be able to whip one of these babies out from the garage at a party and light up the tiki torches from 30 feet away with a rope of fire?
5) A unicopter
Remember the gyrocopter pilot in the Mad Max films? Well, even though I couldn’t fly one now, I still wouldn’t mind having one on the property when movie sales make me rich and famous, and everything I buy from this list gets me labeled eccentric. I think in the back of Popular Mechanics somebody used to sell the plans to build yourself one. Not sure I’d go that far—a one-man helicopter is probably something best left to the pros to build. We’re not talking a pinewood derby racer, after all. Still, makes me wonder. Just how many people did order those plans, and how many survived their maiden flight?
6) An Indiana Jones style bullwhip
Don’t even start. Yes, I’d probably snap it once, have it coil back in my face and cut me open like a straight razor. You know what, though? Fuck it. It’d be worth the risk.
7) A Go Kart
Much like the ’34 Ford, any vehicle is pretty much a waste where I’m concerned. However, if I could get a really good radio headset and there was a point at a track where somebody could stand and direct me around…heck, I’d fork over the cash right now for one. And a whole lot of padding for the steering wheel…
8) A giant ant prop from the movie THEM!
What am I gonna do with it, you ask? I can’t really put it in my front yard, much as I’d like to. I can’t see it, so that value is negated. Basically, it would be a big, indoor waste of space. When I have oodles of dough, however, I’m going to have one somewhere. Maybe in my office, even if I have to have somebody mold one from scratch. Okay, so maybe I dig the flick a little too much…
9) A life size anatomical skeleton
My mom, of all people, bought me a small replica one several years ago, which used to sit on a shelf, the top of the skull off, with candies filling it. Tacky? Sure. Though I don’t smoke and never have, for a while, a battered Marlboro hung from the corner of it’s mouth, Keith Richards style. But the 30” version just ain’t quite as cool as the one you can hang your jacket on. And, that’s exactly what I plan on doing with it. Making him the coat rack for my office. Who needs a hanger when you have extra clavicles?
10) A suit of armor
No, I’m not talking about one of those flimsy replica things on a stand you can find for a couple hundred bucks through mail order. I’m talking about a full suit of King Arthur-style metal requiring Rustoleum, which you could actually wear. Great for Halloween, though probably a bitch in the summertime in South Florida. Nevertheless, would be a great conversation piece, especially if you were hiding in it when company arrived, and hopped down off the stand and started swinging Excalibur. Now *that* would make for one hell of a dinner party…
