I have to admit, the day Google put up its playable Pac Man doodle, I freaked. First thing I thought upon hearing the Pac Man death sound? “Man, this has got to be one bitch of a virus…” Of course, it wasn’t, merely a bit of fun on the part of the folks at Google. Unfortunately, for us blind/visually impaired users, who had no clue what the hell was going on and who couldn’t turn off the sound (meaning we couldn’t hear our screen reader programs telling us it was the little yellow guy’s birthday), we were all pretty much in the same boat. (I.E., WTF is going on?!) So, since Google has opened the door into the world of playable/interactive doodles to mark such milestones, I’d like to see ‘em come up with something for…
1) The 40th anniversary of the release of Deep Throat
For this one, they may even be able to utilize some of the same coding as the Pac Man playable doodle. I mean, if Pac Man could open wide and swallow those little pills, certainly a bunch of coders who haven’t had a date since taking a cousin to the prom four or five years ago can come up with something…graphically, uh…engaging.
2) The L.A. riots (1992 version)
Hey, plenty of time between now and April 29, 2012, which’ll be the 20 year anniversary of the acquittal of four L.A.P.D. officers, sparking SoCal minorities to basically tear apart/loot/torch their own neighborhoods. I’m thinking the interactive doodle could put you in a police cruiser, chasing scofflaw Rodney King, until he crashes his wheels into a telephone pole. Maybe in Compton. Wonder how much it’d cost to license some NWA music for it?
3) The 15th anniversary of the Jim Bakker sex scandal
Can you picture it? On March 19, 2012, you launch Google and who appears but Jim and Tammy Faye. The interactive component? You get to control busty sex-kitten Jessica Hahn. Every time you yank Jessica’s top down, Jim’s tongue hangs out of his mouth and Tammy’s makeup begins to run. Then, before anybody can escape the doodle to go appear on a reality TV show, money begins falling from the sky. A Terry Gilliam-style cartoon image of God appears, with the PTL logo hanging from his neck on a sweet-ass gold chain. Before you can type in your search criteria (and as Tammy Faye’s screechy voice cracks your monitor screen), the legend: Televangelists do it for God fades in, followed by the hand of the illustrated-almighty squashing them all.
4) Tiananmen Square protest
On June 5, 2014, it’ll be 25 years since that famous photo was taken, showing one helluva ballsy Chinese dude standing in the path of an advancing tank. Given the hassles between Google and China, here’s a chance to poke the commies in the eye with a pointy virtual stick. The tanks should be rendered like the old ATARI 2600 Combat clunkers, and the goal would be to run down as many student protesters as possible. Of course, the tanks will be incapable of this simple task, despite how Buddha-fat some of the fleeing Chinese may be.
5) Teddy’s driving test
July 19, 2014 will be the perfect day to remember drunken senator Ted Kennedy, on the 45th anniversary of the murder of his campaign aide, Mary Joe Kopechne. This time, though, you will be steering Teddy, driving solo, as he tries to navigate bridges he’s driven thousands of times before. Unfortunately, no matter how skillful you are at driving games, the inebriated lion of the senate will plunge into the drink, where his animated self will be seen pounding the glass as his air runs out beneath the waves. While the former senator won’t be around to enjoy the recognition of this momentous event, no shortage of drunken descendants (didn’t another one just get popped for DUI about two weeks ago?) will hover in the background on CNN and MSDNC to stomp their feet at the portrayal of their Uncle Teddy, the man who got away with it because he was politically connected.
6) The Gloved One waves good-bye
This one’s coming up quick, but how better to mark an event like the death of Michael Jackson (I say mark, but plenty of folks will be celebrating, trust me) than to give him his own interactive doodle? On June 25th, wouldn’t it be great to be able to make Michael Moonwalk across the search box; dance in front of a cheek-slapping McCauley Culkin in pajamas, or step too close to a light and set his hair on fire? In a nod to realism, the doodle will come with some limitations, most notably, no matter what you search for, your first result will be: NAMBLA, The National Man-Boy Love Association. However, if you’re looking for Sponsored Link results, you’ll find plenty of medical malpractice attorneys.
7) Celebrating the big bust
No, I’m not talking about Morganna, the kissing bandit. Google has a whole year to work on this, as the NFL draft only recently concluded, but if they could get us to steer Pac Man through his pill-filled maze, then they can certainly take a page from the EA Sports guys and give everybody a chance to control JaMarcus Russell as he tries to hit his receivers. With each completion, piles of money will fall into a bucket, showing how much he got paid for the few accurate passes that got caught during his brief Raiders career. What’ll make it competitive, however, is the race against the clock. The Google JaMarcus will be racing against both his ballooning weight, and growing weakness, as lethargy addiction will sap him of his stamina. Can you complete a dozen passes in 3.5 hours (the average length of a football game?)—don’t worry, JaMarcuss didn’t do it often, either.
8) Wilt scores 100…and sinks some baskets, too
50 years since Wilt Chamberlain set an NBA record, scoring 100 points in a single basketball game? Comin’ up, on March 2, 2012. The way I envision it, with each bucket, another one of his achievements should be celebrated. After all, according to his book, Wilt’s scoring wasn’t limited to the hardwood. Wait, did I just use the term hardwood? Well, maybe in a way, all his scoring *did* have something to do with hardwood…
9) When the All-Star game meant something
True, knowing it’s superstar showcase needed something to make people pay attention, baseball attached home field advantage in the World Series to it. Still, the game’s a yawner. But, in 1970 it wasn’t. And, Google should remind people of baseball the way players used to play it, such as when Pete Rose bowled over Ray Fosse at the plate in the last play of the 1970 All-Star game. The collision is legendary, despite its having occurred in a game that was, essentially, meaningless. Rose didn’t think so, though. Go watch the clip on YouTube and see for yourself, if you’ve never witnessed it before. Maybe in the interactive doodle, Fosse’s head will pop off if you hit him just right. Nearly happened in ’70, after all.
10) You smell somethin’ cooking?
Google’s probably too liberal to even consider it (as if they’d consider most of the other nine listed), but January 24th, 2014, it’ll be the 25th anniversary of the electrocution of notorious serial killer Ted Bundy. I think that in celebration of making the planet safer (remember, prison didn’t exactly do much to stop Bundy’s killing spree, since he escaped custody and went right back at it), the Google doodle should allow you to decide whether or not to shave Ted’s head (therefore enabling his hair to catch fire or not), set the voltage (I’m thinking, standard, well-done, and extra-crispy options), and whether or not you get it done in one pull of the lever…or take your time and drag it out a while. Yeah, yeah, I can hear the hand-wringers now. How terrible! Yada yada yada. But you know what? Google can track all sorts of stuff, I have no doubt if it tracked how many people chose the extra-crispy, max-voltage and quick death/long-drawn-out ride in Ol’ Sparky options, which ones would prove to be most popular. Maybe add a little monitor flicker to spice it up. A good bug-zapper sound effect would be a nice touch, as well.
So, howsabout it, Google? Sure, Pac Man’s a cultural icon, but, bigger than the King of Pop? Ted watery-grave Kennedy? Linda Lovelace? Despite the attention Pac Man got recently, anybody think a Google search for Pac Man returns more results than a search for Deep Throat? Yeah, riiiiiiiiiight…
