1) Invocation, led by Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.
2) Festivities kicked off with Lynchburg Lemonade toast.
3) That drunk Ted Kennedy not around to pinch granddaughters’ ass and make a fool of himself trying to pick up female wait staff.
4) Guide dogs banned, but tracking dogs ready for post-service rousting of local minorities. (Both of them.)
5) Cover band to perform, “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.”
6) Dinner. Coal-fired BBQ, served by burning-crosslight.
7) Posthumous award of James Earl Ray medal for outstanding service.
8) Hat-tip to racial diversity video: Salute to Darkies! (approx. 09 seconds.)
9) Interment down by the Ol’ Hangin’ Tree.
10) Close of ceremonies: performance of ‘Dueling Banjos’ from Deliverance.
11) Fireworks display, huge pork barrels rolled down grassy hillside.
12) Bonus! Extra sheets in every hotel room…
