You’ve probably heard the arguments in the illegal alien debate—they’re just looking to make a better life for themselves. They want to embrace the American dream. And of course, the ol‘ ‘They’re willing to do jobs Americans don’t want to.’ Well, I think that’s utter crap, particularly with the economy in the shitter, but really, if you want some jobs even I wouldn’t want? Here they are…
1) Pope
In addition to the atheist thing being guaranteed to make my hiring uncomfortable, there’s the whole hassle of having to pray all the time, not to mention traveling to third world countries where I wouldn’t want to go even if I were immune to all forms of bacterial infection. Add in the funny hat and the sex scandals over kiddie diddling? Nope, not for me. Juan, you’re up!
2) Naomi Campbell’s housekeeper
The truth? I’d rather enlist and go to Afghanistan. At least there’s a gig where you know every dollar you earn is hazard pay. But getting spit on, clawed, and having cell phones fired at you like grenades with ring tones? Nope, sorry. I’ll pass. I’m sure Courtney Love’s place can use some sprucing up, instead.
3) Chair of the IPCC panel on global warming
Who’d want Rajendra K. Pachauri’s job? First, you have the folks who understand that, hey, climate has always changed, and so don’t subscribe to Al Gore’s sky-is-falling approach to global warming. Then, there’s that sticky scandal over the e-mails that leaked, which pretty much show the IPCC to be working a scam the likes of which Bernie Madoff could only dream of. Oh, and then there’s the hysterical claims about the way Himalayan glaciers would disappear by 2035, which turned out to be based on *zero* scientific evidence or research, and which has since been wholly debunked? Yeah, *not* exactly a good career move, taking that position. Plus, even if you’re not full of shit, you still have to deal with the UN. Who needs that kind of aggrivation? Why not be a mule for a Mexican drug cartel, instead?
4) President of ACORN
Yeah, I know. Most of you’d rather be a fisherman in the Bering Sea during the winter months in a leaky boat. Still, it’s a job, and some schmuck has to do it. Although, the good thing is, perhaps not for much longer. If congress changes hands, maybe there’ll be some pressure put on the administration to actually investigate these fraudsters, and they can be taken down in a RICO-style prosecution. At least prison would spare these scumbags from having to appear in any more Breitbart undercover videos, right?
5) Head coach, Oakland Raiders
You get to work for Al Davis, who has a penchant for trying to force coaches to quit, or simply firing you without paying off your contract unless subjected to protracted legal action. Your input into the draft is secondary to any athlete’s time in the 40, which seems to be the benchmark by which Grampa Al judges all players. Your boss fired a coach for noticing that JaMarcus Russell was perhaps the worst quarterback since Ryan Leaf to throw a pass, and who guaranteed the league’s biggest bust $39 million guaranteed. Need more? Well, there’s the need to live at least close to Oakland. And Darius Hayward-Bey, who catches footballs about as well as anybody with lobster claws for hands. Oh, and did I mention Al Davis? Hey, cheer up, Pedro, you can probably secure a job with the Sacramento Kings if it doesn’t work out for you with the silver and black.
6) Fact checker on a Michael Moore documentary
Sure, at first, it looks appealing. Like being the on-call physician to a superstar like Michael Jackson. But despite no experience necessary, and needing to pay zero attention to detail, there’s still the need to work with Moore, and having to go home knowing you earned a paycheck for doing absolutely nothing. Kind of like Harry Reid, only you get less face time. But I can see the appeal to Esteban, who may be up for slacking off after time spent with the great Mexican symbolic figure, Manual Labor.
7) Security chief, Columbia University
How tough is it to secure a small lecture venue in order to ensure that an invited guest can give his/her scheduled speech? Obviously, harder when it comes to the founder of the Minuteman organization than for the President of Iran. Talk about a lousy gig. Kids with banners and pies can rush the stage at will, making you look like a total bonehead, and in response you get to…ignore it. Yup, you don’t actually get to escort any protesters out. You don’t get to allow the event to actually take place. You just eat shit and look incompetent because the university doesn’t give a damn about freedom of speech for a U.S. citizen who is interested in talking about upholding the law. But it’ll make you bend over to take it in the ass if a single heckler dares whisper too loud when a man who calls for the extermination of all Jews is holding court in your rotunda. Miguel? you may want to pass on this for something easier, like being on the anti-gang task force…in Compton.
8) Babysitter/nanny for Nadya Suleman
If you fill out an application to work for Octomom, you’re already being taken advantage of. Not only were the eight kids *not* enough for the wannabe reality show baby factory, she has a total of 14 kids. Think about that. Single mom, small home, 14 infants and toddlers. There are penned chickens who have better working conditions. Cows who find the slaughterhouse preferable to that zoo. She’s broke, the house is under threat of foreclosure, and her most promising job offer is to do a gang-bang video wherein she takes on eight guys. Can you imagine having to help her prep for that? Not only will you be running around changing diapers ‘round-the-clock, but in between swabbing asses and cleaning spit-up, you’re expected to hurl jello shot cups of warm mayonaise at her to get her ready for her small-screen debut? Without question, hadda be better to be an orderly at Bedlam. Hey, I’m half-Hispanic, so I understand the stereotype. Latinos know from having big families. But *this* kinda big? Even the most desperate of border jumpers might run back to Chihuahua after a week of handling infant bodily functions to the 14th power.
9) Any position, ScottEVest
Check out some of this ass clown’s response videos to Loren Feldman, of 1938Media.com. Scott’s abusive, foul-mouthed, prone to fly into a rage at the slightest thing, and in general, can’t understand one of the shortest words in the English language: No. This guy has terrorized people he’s dealt with over the phone, so I can only imagine what working for him directly must be like. This guy was such an asshole, I had to step in to tell him he had to stop calling my wife’s company. She didn’t want to take his phone calls any longer, he was that bad. I can be rather unpleasant on the phone when pushed to it. It isn’t pretty. But that’s reserved for worst-case-scenarios only. This mental midget? I had to tell him straight up, he could never, ever again call any of our phone numbers. That we would never, under any circumstance, work with him again. That no matter how desperate he might need something done for his online store, his money was not worth having to deal with him, on any level, for any amount of time. He finally took the hint. But don’t take my word for it. Check out his ‘douche bag’ video (and the ring tone Loren made of it) for just a taste of what this loser is like. He’ll attack you, your wife, anybody he can when things don’t go his way, as evidenced by his own uploads. Yolanda? Given the choice? Naomi Campbell is starting to look better…
10) Agent, Tiki Barber
NBC has pretty much phased him out of their Football Night in America broadcast (though at least he doesn’t have to work with Keith Olbermann any more). He’s listed as a contributor for the Today Show, although they aren’t exactly ringing his phone off the wall with assignments. He tried going to FOX, and they didn’t want him. He pissed off the Giants when he ran his mouth after retiring (after which they promptly won a Super Bowl). Now? How marketable is a guy who just dumped his 8-months-pregnant-with-twins wife, for a babysitter he’s reportedly been fucking behind her back for over a year? How many networks want *this* guy working their broadcasts? He’s going to get cleaned out in the divorce (his wife’s already filed papers, according to reports), and the market for signatures on pro football cards isn’t exactly a big bucks proposition. You’ve probably got a better shot being the agent for disgraced New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, trying to pimp a new reality show for motorcycle guru and fellow cheater Jesse James, or putting together a big Jacksons reunion tour now that Mikey the molester is dead. Sure got your work cut out for you, Mariella. And you thought being a prostitute in Tijuana was a dead-end job…
